smut.blogspot.com

2003-09-17T16:33:00.000-06:00

I QUIT

hahahahahahdhasla;jg kljal; vnklassad

look for another site by me sometime somewhere.

2003-09-09T02:19:00.000-06:00

uhmm yeah. i'm sorta half "back in action." although i have gotten my harddrive to work again, it's kind of dodgy at the same time. for instance, booting up takes an unreasonably long time. my harddrive will literally sit there and chug for a minute before any progress is made. it's not exactly a healthy chug either. it's kinda like a "i'm on my last legs here, put me out of my goddamn misery you fuck!" kind of chug. this has also been happening with simple tasks like moving desktop icons to another place on the desktop or opening a windows explorer window. something obviously isn't right, so i'm holding off on restoring my computer to full functionality for awhile because it would really suck if i installed all my software and configured all my settings only to have this motherfucker crap out on me. that would really piss me off and i would probably kick some nearby pieces of paper around in my untamable fury. i have no idea if untamable is even a word that people are allowed to use.

so for those of you interested, i did in fact have to format the harddrive. no data was recovered. i don't know if any of you have ever had to deal with a harddrive failure before, but to me it was like losing a dear friend. i seriously sat there in misery when it had become apparent that there was no option left but to format. MISERY. for chrissake it was like me pulling the plug on the life support for a loved one in a coma. that's pretty sad. no one should be that attached to a electrical device.

it seems like forever since i've used my own computer, and for a time i really didn't miss it too much. i mean shit, i started reading the hobbit with full intentions of reading through the lord of the rings books right after. i read the hobbit a long time ago. it must have been late grade school or early junior high. i'm not sure how i made it through the book because i'm finding it pretty hard to read now. so i'm thinking my brain is devolving. as if it's not strange enough that i've actually picked up a book and opened it up and started reading it and kept reading it despite it being hard to read at first, i even made dinner a few times. ME. not saying that the dinners i made were any good, but the fact i made them should count for something. i was going to say that i thought i was more productive without my computer, but then i tried to think of what other things i did in this timespan of no computer and i couldn't think of anything other than the fact that i played a lot of videogames. for example, i played a game that took me about 50 some hours of gameplay to complete... in the span of about 6 days. if you do the math you will see that i didn't have much time for other things like bathing or communicating with human beings.

unfortunately i am still not employed and this only means there's still a lot of work to be done on my part. most of which needs to be done on the computer. which leads me up to my current position of being too afraid to stress my harddrive out any further cuz i really can't afford a new harddrive and i'd feel like a total retard for borrowing even more money from my brother. hahahaha haHADSADkasjb. at the same time there are resumes to be made and printed out and sent and a portfolio that needs to be finished. considering everything that's happened (humor me as i make this out to be a bigger deal than it really is) i really should consider a career in babysitting. imagine. "here kids! play with these gameboys!! i brought along pokemon and yu-gi-oh so you can spend hours and hours collecting them all and trading battle cards while i go and chat and masturbate to pornography on your parents computer!" yeah...

to top off this depressing trainwreck of an entry is a picture of the depressing trainwreck that is me and my hair.

goodnight. bilbo baggins awaits.

2003-08-28T14:45:00.000-06:00

i'm using my brother's computer to write this and he's got one of those old school keyboards and it's driving me bonkers, so i'll keep this brief. my computer blew up! omg! no!!! actually, the harddrive blew up. there goes all my precious data. what a fucking pain in the ass i tell you. my trillian list and history GONE, my huge and expansive font set GONE, my ftp lists and passwords GONE, and i'm sure i'm forgetting a few other things but i'm too busy throwing tantrums to remember properly. i'm really annoyed because the whole reason this happened is because we got a blackout. i think the city should compensate me accordingly for the stress and inconvenience this has caused me. i'm talking to something like $10 billion. that would be about right.. motherfuckers.

i'm holding out a faint hope that i can somehow magically make the harddrive work again.though it's unlikely i'll probably keep trying because i'm stubborn like that. only when my endurance as an irrational technology miracle worker wears thin will i format the harddrive and begin anew.which will be a huge stinking prick in my ass. fucks sakes. anyway, now you will know why i'll be absent and won't be getting any ideas about me getting a life or having a life or having anything to do with a life. we all know jerry better than that.

in other unrelated news, i fucking turned my hair yellow. thats right, the whole head is fucking yellow. i would show you, but obviously my webcam won't work if my spine don't jerk... err if my computer won't bootup. i think i look less freaky than i thought i would, but i'm sure my look also screams out "FOB!!!" but i can deal with that.

anyway, for those that read this, i will hafta ask you kindly to peep the first words to me when you see me on AIM or ICQ or MSN again so that i can re-add you to my list. that would just be super handy.

2003-08-25T03:30:00.000-06:00

so i watched this movie tonight called "ping pong." as you might be able to guess, it's a movie based on the sport of table tennis. as you also might be able to guess, this is an asian movie... japanese to be exact. now hold on cowboy, if you're thinking that it's shaolin soccer on a ping pong table, think again! this movie features no over the top super CG kung fu mega ping pong moves. nor are there poo and fart jokes, or martial arts, or naked booblies. that being said, i fucking love this movie.

allow me to repeat that. I FUCKING LOVE THIS MOVIE. i can't even really explain why either. maybe it was the endearing characters, or the charm that was sprinkled all over the script. maybe it was the underlying themes of friendship, respect, loyalty, admiration, and determination. maybe it was the relationships between the characters. i just don't know how to explain how pleased i was with this movie. it truly is a feel good movie... it made me feel good! a movie. made. me. feel. good. fuck that, this movie did more than make me feel good.. i'm gonna go ahead and say that this movie TOUCHED me!

i dunno about you guys, but i can't say that i've been TOUCHED by a movie very often. not very often at all. in fact the last time i recall being TOUCHED by a movie was the first time i watched "radio flyer." well, ping pong not only TOUCHED me... it TOUCHED ME BETTER THAN RADIO FLYER EVER DID! don't let my crude sexual innuendo diminish the point i'm trying to make. ping pong is an amazing movie. i actually encourage everyone fortunate enough to read this to seek this movie out, watch it, and then tell me how gay you think i am for being TOUCHED by such a movie.

i truly, truly, love this movie.

2003-08-23T15:13:00.000-06:00

i think the missing images on this "site" are rather unique and fetching. this is longest i've ever gone without bothering to fix missing images. usually i'm quite anal about such things, but like a fat man that can't help but fart in public, i just don't care anymore.

it's kind of sad but i've resorted to borrowing money from my brother. my younger brother. my younger brother who has a job. hahahahahahah... i don't know if any of you have had to suffer through the indignity of asking for money from a sibling, but shit it's the most miserable thing ever. you can tell that they don't really want to lend you the money because they know you'll just end up blowing it on videogames *ahemf-zeroahem* but because you've grown up together and you've spent your whole life tormenting each other, they feel obligated and just can't tell you to piss off. the worst part is when they throw the money in your face and it scatters all over the ground and you hungrily pick it up while on your hands and knees saying "thank you" about a million times and then run off into the nearest dark alley to buy smack and a cheap dirty hooker. what am i talking about? that's the best part.

a funny scenario -- i meet a girl like really soon and she asks me what i do, i can say "i routinely bum money off my family, what about you?" and then she will look me up and down and then she will get this disgusted look on her face and then she will go away and then i will yell back at her "just kidding!" even though i'm really not, but it won't work and she'll continue going away only except now she's raised her middle finger at me and then i'll yell back "yeah well i don't want you anyway you gold digging whore!" and then i'll start crying.

2003-08-20T04:02:00.000-06:00

now for a more upbeat update.. sort of.. maybe:

i've been getting this gut feeling lately. a feeling that something good is about to happen to me. i'm interpreting this feeling to mean that i will soon be employed since that is the one thing i've been chasing after the most the past year -- besides manda i mean URGH URGH AHHHH <-- that's the sound of me humping you (two pump chump) *wink wink kissy face* call me. ahem... admittedly i haven't been chasing after a job that hard at times, but believe me when i say that nothing would please me more than to be working somewhere doing design. i've chopped my standards down, meaning i will work in a fucking sweatshop now. what's that you say? your design studio is a fucking hole in the ground? WHEN DO I START?! it's retarded, but it took me this long to realize that maybe i should start at the bottom and work my way up instead of hoping that the school's hottest cheerleader will finally notice that i am indeed an amazing lover waiting to be unleashed... kinda like that movie "she's all that" .. except with less retarded teeny bopper shit and more hardcore porno vagina piledriving.. yes i am a disgusting human being.

on that note, i created my first nudie cam pic last night. it's true, i'm descending down a horrible path of slutty-ism. i encourage you to hire a private eye to locate this picture so that you may enjoy masturbation long time.

2003-08-13T04:30:00.000-06:00

sometimes i wonder why the fuck i'm sitting on my ass contently wasting my life away when i could be doing so much more... not the least of which is getting a goddamn job... or keeping in touch with old friends... or going to the gym... or learning to cook... or meeting new people... or setting goals... or any number of things that doesn't involve me sitting here at 4:30am staring into my computer monitor debating whether i should watch some porn or goto sleep. fuck me i'm a sad pathetic man! guess i'll watch some porn.

2003-08-11T19:29:00.000-06:00

i'll probably be moving this blog soon.. i got a new webhost and it has lots of toys...

2003-08-06T04:10:00.000-06:00

i didn't realize how outrageously gway that last entry was until i re-read it. i even caught myself screaming at my monitor in wretched agony as i asked myself "WHO CARES?!?"

on that note, i ate half a ring of cocktail shrimp this afternoon. yeah the first half of the half was good, and i probably should have stopped then, but gluttony has a funny way of popping up in your life sometimes. the second half of the half ring of cocktail shrimp tasted like wet cardboard that is wet because someone pissed on it. i finished it off anyway. of course, i then proceeded to feel paranoid that i would be shitting lava for the rest of the day. which didn't happen thankfully because shooting acidic chunky water from your asshole just isn't as soothing as it should be.

it didn't take me long to let the fat kid in me come out once again as i went to all you can eat fish and chips with dave and shane for dinner. i don't know how, but i managed to shove 5 pieces of deep fried fish and a plate full of fries down my throat before i felt like the biggest, most disgusting pig in the whole world. i can't wait to see how it all looks after my digestive system has finished vomiting all over it!!

so i had been watching this tv show called "last comic standing" and it should come as no surprise that i was cheering for dat phan all the way. wouldn't you know it, america loves the guy as much as i did. dat phan is the last comic standing and that's fucken sweet!! asian represent muthafucka! can i get a "ching chong?!" now dat has a talent contract with nbc and will star in a special on comedy central. this will no doubt open the doors for hilarious asian motherfuckers like me. watch for me on tv! if i'm not on tv starring in the best sitcom ever conceived or on the silverscreen tagteaming with jack black in history's most hilariously hilarious comedy flick, i'll at the very least make the evening news for having 10 wives all of which i've ordered from the internet.

speaking of the internet, it sucks. goodnight.

2003-08-02T02:44:00.000-06:00

today i met someone new. it was neither by planning or from any particular interest, but it happened. before we all get our hopes up, no it wasn't a girl. let's collectively sob for a second. okay that was good.

anyway, i am a yearly "volunteer" for the heritage days festival, which is a celebration of the various cultures present in our city. basically, these different cultures from around the world converge at this parkland and set up tents and show off cultural items and foods for people to buy at highly inflated prices. so today i was helping to set up for the 3 day event by moving supplies from the chinese headquarters to the tent location at the park. for some reason this new guy shows up at the chinese headquarters and i dunno if his help was asked for, but he was enthusiastic about helping out. it wasn't long before he started yammering away at me. under normal circumstances i would have humored him for awhile and just gradually give him hints of disinterest. its true, i'm what you might consider socially inadequate or even *gasp* snobby! i just generally don't like people. so it should come as no surprise to hear that i really had no interest in getting to know this guy. i mean i couldn't picture myself hanging out with him or anything. we certainly don't share the same sense of humor as i had to force myself to smile at his supposed witty remarks, and he didn't seem to respond to my sarcasm. something happened though. something in my head clicked and i started to think that i should put more effort into being social and friendly and all that crap, i thought that i should try and get to know new people. so inexplicably i started to converse with this guy. i asked him questions... i asked him "getting to know you" questions and pretty soon, i was getting to know him. i know for instance that he is christian and he really likes christian music. he also likes what he calls "electronica" and he plays videogames! his taste in videogames focus on the pc realm though. he even runs his own counterstrike server. unfortunately i failed to see what the big hooplah about counterstrike was and i stopped playing it pretty quickly. i also know that he's getting married in a year and that he's going on a honeymoon in china. i know that he played soccer a lot as a child and i also know that he's some sort of business software developer and no doubt makes some pretty decent coin. by christ, i even know that he lives in the north end of the city!! OMG OMG!!

now there is no friendship blossoming here. i know for a fact that we could never be regular hang out buddies. he's christian. the things i'm capable of saying without a second thought could probably burn his ears off. chances are i won't even see this guy until the next chinese mega event that i always tend to "volunteer" for, in which case, i will have another person to talk to in an attempt to ward off boredom. we'll probably be acquaintances at the very most, but the point is i made a concerted effort to get to know this guy, and i guess it turned out alright. so maybe this is me taking baby steps to improving myself. being social is a good thing and being a snob is not right?

2003-07-30T03:40:00.000-06:00

well it's happened...

i'll let you sit and brew on what i'm talking about for a second...

no, i haven't gotten laid.

i've officially turned 25. my birthday is today. i'm 25 goddamn you. save your happy birthday wishes, i really don't want them because there really isn't anything happy about this at all. i mean a quarter of a century... jesus fucking christ that is old. this is not something one should celebrate or be happy and/or excited about. it's all downhill from here boys and girls. it's all busted knees, cranky back, dentures, disrespecting youths, erectile dysfunction, wrinkles, and adult diapers from here on out!

maybe this birthday wouldn't be so bad if my life reflected that of a normal 25 year old person's life, but as it stands i'm still living at home, i'm still unemployed, still playing videogames excessively, still socially inept, still not cool, still nowhere near being married, and thusly nowhere near starting a family... it just goes on and on! how disappointed my parents must be in me! "hey jerry, you get a job yet?" no. "hey jerry you get a girlfriend yet?" no. "bah!" yeah what a sad sob story, but don't cry for me, argentina... afterall, when you're on the bottom, things can only get better right? right?! argentina? hello?

2003-07-27T05:03:00.000-06:00

so there's this blogathon thing going on that i was thinking pretty deeply about joining. of course i didn't end up joining, but i feel good that i thought about it.

one of the reasons i didn't join was because i doubt i would have gotten any sponsors. i'm sorry, but being chained to your computer for 24 hours for nothing is a little bit too insane... even for a wild stallion like me. i've been at this crazy "blogging" game for awhile and i've flirted with c-list blog allstar status at the peak of my career, but the people that tend to read the shit i write also tend to be people that like to sit back in the shadows, aghast with open-mouth awe at my shining skills with the written word.

i'm not entirely sure what the fuck i'm getting at here, so let me move on to something else i wanted to talk about...

i've been a fan of irvine welsh ever since i picked up trainspotting on a whim all those years ago. and although i've had his book "glue" for awhile now, i've finally gotten around to reading it. i won't say that it's a spectacular book. it doesn't come close to how trainspotting impacted me. it did, however, manage to make me think about my life and how... uneventful it's been. it made me think about if i'm wasting my life away by playing it safe all the goddamn time. nothing happens to you if you don't put your balls on the line once in awhile right? if nothing else, welsh is a master at weaving tales of delinquency and modern day adventure... and fuck if reading "glue" hasn't made me want a piece of it all. i'm soon to be 25... i need to start living life more fully i think. i doubt my grandchildren will be very interested in tales of how i once played river city ransom for a whole goddamn day.

whoa, i was getting sorta deep for a second there. methinks i will get back to the book talk -- a perk of reading welsh books is that you learn a lot of scottish slang. you think they just use exaggerated r's and shit but by god man, it's like a whole language in itself. for example "bairn" is baby... as in small child. what the fuck? "ken" and "kent" are know and known respectively... that one really fucked me over the first time i read it.. i could go on and on! the weird part is i figured out most of these foreign words out by myself! there was no scottish-english dictionary for me to reference! i make it sound like some sort of grand accomplishment, but it's actually not too hard to figure them out when you read them in context to what's going on in the book.

i'm debating whether i want to read welsh's newest book -- porno, the sequel to trainspotting -- or if i want to tackle the lord of the rings books. oh i love how life offers me such delightful choices.

anyway, i'm getting swass so it's clearly time to get my ass off this chair. swass is no one's friend.

2003-07-22T00:53:00.000-06:00

i would like to begin this post with a lyrical excerpt from the greatest band in the world:

you know what time it is?
it's tenacious d time you motherfucker go!
FUCK YEAH!
-- tenacious d, kielbasa

so i suppose you're wanting to hear about sunday. it's really not that big of a deal. just a trip out to a lake/beach with a couple of friends. not too exciting right? everyone does that. so what makes this particular trip so exceptional that i must write about it? i don't know... but maybe we will discover the answer to that together as we go through some of the events of that day!

the day started out pretty shitty. shitty in that i was awakened by the ringing of my cell phone. i think i answered it with a "hello?" but i probably sounded more like a beached whale with a harpoon sticking in it's eyeball crying out for a mercy killing. anyway, it was dave calling: "hey buddy we're coming! oh wait, i think we made a wrong turn... no wait, we're coming buddy! we're outside your house man!" blah!! this gave me a very little time to get ready so i allowed myself a quick brushing of the teeth and a change of clothes and i was out the door. i was out the door so fast i still had morning wood, but luckily i'm chinese and thusly have a micro chinese dink so no one noticed.

so dave, shane, and myself were on our way to a lake which is about a 2 hour drive from the city. the drive over was uneventful aside from the fucked up decision to listen to weird al for the later portion of the drive.

shortly after we arrive and stake out a position, i note that there's a big sign that says there's no alcohol allowed on the beach. since dave brought a cooler full of booze he was initially quite disappointed, but like any good alcoholic he thought of an idea to "beat the system." it was decided that we would walk around the town to look for party cups or something. since shane had neglected to buy booze before the drive over, and didn't care about that no alcohol sign, he would look for a liquor store. this liquor store was very hard to find. we decided to stop in a supermarket to see if their selection of .5% alcohol beer would suit shane, and if not he could ask for directions to the nearest liquor store! this isn't relevant to the story, but needs to be told anyway -- as we approached the entrance to the supermarket, we heard some vehicle booming gangsta rap and as we turn to see who the chump was, we're surprised to see that it's some this middle-aged lady. fucked up yo! anyway, of course the supermarket didn't have any alcohol that would satisfy shane, so he received directions to an official liquor store.. a store that sells real liquor! we get there soon enough, and then i make the shittiest decision i've made in a long long time.

that's right, i decided to buy some alcohol. that's pretty dumb right? especially since it was me that pointed out the "no alcohol" sign. i have a perfectly good explaination though. i saw some of that new pur source vodka shit... y'know, the alcoholic drink that contains spring water!! OMG OMG OMG right? so here i am in this liquor store, tempted by alcohol for the first time in many many moons! i had originally not planned to drink anything alcoholic on the day. i had originally planned to obey the "no alcohol" sign. i didn't plan on being so tempted by goddamn SPRING WATER of all things. so i sat there and debated with myself whether i should get this facinating spring water alcoholic drink or not. in the end i did and of course that was the wrong choice.

i had a bad feeling about it the moment i walked out the store. i essentially just spent $10 for spring water. that's pretty absurd. anyway, dave managed to lift a few paper coffee cups, and when we got back to our site, we put them to good use: we were drinking alcohol in coffee cups! no one will know! that's so goddamn clever! i'll tell you what, i soon started feeling good about my purchase because that pur source stuff was good. i mean the stuff tasted like sprite, and hey, if i can get drunk drinking sprite that's a-okay with me! does that make it a girly drink? the fact that it's so damn easy to drink? anyway, i managed to finish one and half bottles and was feeling a nice buzz before trouble in the form of "todd" decided to smash it to bits!

by this time the whole area was pretty full. i mean dave, shane, and myself were just 3 heads in a crowd of dozens. so it baffled me as to why these... i dunno what you'd call them... park rangers? powertrip rangers? i dunno.. they had some sort of authority i guess. so they decide to come and talk to us, out of all the people on this beach. now, i should probably mention that even though we were drinking, we weren't being loud or obnoxious nor did we have empty bottles lying around, so why they decided to pick on us, i still do not know. i mentioned "todd" earlier and well i'm gonna talk about todd... the other powertrip ranger was just todd's bitch and did nothing. so todd approaches shane because i guess shane looks like a mob boss and asks him how it's going blah blah blah. i thought for a moment that that would be it and they would move along. whoopsie, todd gets a glimpse of shane's coffee cup and makes a startling observation -- "that's not coffee." WELL NO SHIT SHERLOCK! THAT'S ACTUALLY A NICE FROSTY BEER!

i'm pretty sure these guys were tipped off. it really wasn't obvious that we were drinking alcohol at all. no one was stumbling around. no one was puking. no one was speaking in slur. so some motherfucker ratted us out. guaranteed. and that's pretty shitty. you want to boot the eyeballs out of people like that. of course this doesn't make me detest todd any less. you see after making us dump our drinks, he pulls us towards the main path.. a main path that people frequently use. so it's not enough that he busted us for enjoying a drink, he has to humiliate us as well! as if that wasn't bad enough, he writes us up! nope, even though we fully cooperated, were not visibly drunk, were not being disorderly, or disturbing other people he still wouldn't let us off with just a warning. do you know how much it costs to drink alcohol in public? i'll tell you brothers and sisters... $115!!!#@*! i'll remind you again that none of us were being loud or obnoxious. i'll also remind you again that we were showing them full respect and cooperating. would it have killed todd to let us off the hook? is it our fault he can't get laid? don't take it out on us todd! anyway as he's writing us up he tells us that he's thinking he wants us off the beach... i think todd thinks we're really drunk. i think todd is a fucking dipshit! so after he tells us that he wants us off the beach he also tells us he better not catch us drinking again.. this baffled me so i chimed in "well you're kicking us off the beach so how are we gonna be caught drinking?" at this point good ole todd just kinda stares at me, as if to say "i can't believe you just spoke against me! i have no reply!" you could kinda see the gears turning in his head and he finally comes to the conclusion that yes we can stay on the beach, we just can't drink anymore. okay thanks for clearing that up big guy!

now we're all in a bummed out mood. a $115 fine really isn't anything to laugh at. now todd finishes writing up shane's summons and is telling him about the consequences of not paying it blah blah blah. i can't quite remember what todd said that prompted shane to comment, but shane said something about having traveled for 2 hours to get to this place. it was a totally tame comment made in a pretty tame manner actually... but todd didn't see it that way. after shane had said his piece todd decided he needed to calm shane down! "WHOA shane... WHOA.." complete with a hand gesture. we would later go on to mimick this hand gesture and the "WHOA"-ing for the rest of the day. i think we drove it into the ground though so i dunno how much staying power it has as an inside joke. after they were done writing us up and it was time to part ways, i sarcastically thanked them.. i wonder if they picked up on it...

we stayed on the beach of course and tried to make the best of the situation, often making jokes at the expense of todd. shane was the most visibly upset of us, but i think dave and i managed to cheer him up by the end of the day. we tossed a dinky football around in the shallow water, gawked at a buncha hot broads in bikinis and took in a lot of sunshine. overall not a bad day, but a much more expensive day than i, or anyone had bargained for.

bleh, the "whoa shane.. whoa" was the punchline of this post, but it's pretty clear that it's one of those "you had to be there" sort of deals.. but at least my badboy-o-meter has risen a few notches... broads love badboys...

2003-07-21T03:26:00.000-06:00

in what has to be the strangest twist of fate, i've had a life this past weekend. yes, a real actual life. well, if not a real life, then perhaps a reasonable facsimilie. i'm much too lazy to goto dictionary.com to see if i spelled that right so if it's wrong, please politely eat my cawk.

on saturday i had the pleasure of attending a long time friend's wedding. i woke up bright and early to get pimped out for the church ceremony, which marked a few firsts for me. firstly, it's the first time i've ever spent any significant amount of time in a church. i don't think me playfully making devil horns in the house of god will win me any points with "the big guy." save a cozy spot for me in hell mr. satan!

secondly, it was the first time i've dressed so nicely that i actually tucked in my shirt. I TUCKED IN MY SHIRT! those who know me, know that me and a tucked shirt happens about as often as i get laid. for those of you keeping score at home, that's like... never. indeed, i was dressed so nicely i felt eyeballs undressing me all day.. which is kind of ironic.. doncha think? i'm sorry.

thirdly, it was the first wedding ceremony i've ever been to. i was filled with a sense of awe and wonderment... for the first 2 minutes. then reality kicked me in the nuts and i realized that these things are really overrated. it could be that this one was poorly executed though, i don't know. the person in charge of the music apparently had troubles with the complex task of pressing play and stop on the cd player when they were supposed to. oh, hey! i never knew they actually had to shuffle slowly down the isle like that. i thought that was only in the movies... you know, for dramatic effect. why can't they sprint down there? or maybe speed walk? speed walking is awesome. i think that would be way more entertaining for those in attendance. i also thought of another entertaining addition to wedding ceremonies. they need to have a jumbotron there and they need to show "the kiss" over and over from various angles instant replay style. even throw in a couple slow-mo ones and zoomed in replays so we can see those saliva strings.

then came pictures. i'm sure when they get those printed, they'll see that all the broads' eyeballs are aimed in my direction.

the reception/dinner was later in the evening. aside from all the demeaning games they had the bride and groom play, this part was a blur. i think i was either drunk or i have a really shitty memory and can't remember details very well. i had one beer at this dinner despite it being open bar. i'm sure i would have had a better story to tell here if i took advantage of it, but there's just something incredibly unappealing about getting stinky-falling-all-over-the-place drunk in front of your parents, and relatives, and little cousins who look up to you as their hero.

i think i should probably play professional gridiron football because i have the best hands in the world. my penis can vouche for this... in fact, if my penis could write, i'm sure it would have written many letters of recommendation. the reason i bring this up is because my amazing hands were put to demonstration that night. you know that silly game where the groom takes the garter and flings it over his shoulder to crowds of horny desperate bastards? well when they announced this was about to take place, i was probably the first one to go up there and stake a position on the floor for myself. at first i thought i would be the only one, but sure enough the floor filled up with the previously mentioned horny desperate bastards and there was chaos as all the sweaty bastards were fighting over prime real estate. maybe i'll get right to the point. i caught the garter. it flew right to me.. as if guided by the hand of an angel! i wasn't too happy about how i celebrated. i no doubt made a fucking idiot of myself, and best of all, it was all captured on video tape! GOD BLESS CAMCORDERS! the good news is i will probably never see this tape, and thusly will never see how i look when the camera adds 10 pounds to my already bloated appearance! so, uhh... all you lonely hot broads with your biological clocks ticking, i caught the garter! do the math and you'll see that we should be humping!!

unfortunately i have no pictures of this splendid event yet, but i'm sure i will get some soon.. and then i will consider scanning them in return for pictures of your booblies.. it'll like trading hockey cards!

there is another, totally unrelated tale to be told about sunday. WHOA guys WHOA.. i'll get to that in due time. you'll want to tune in for it, but for now i goto sleep and dream of all the bikini clad broads i was humping in my mind today.

2003-07-17T03:25:00.000-06:00

it just has to be said.. STOP GETTING CHINESE CHARACTERS TATTOOED ONTO YOUR BODY FOR FUCKSSAKE! this applies almost exclusively to white people. that's why i laugh every time i read about someone getting "i'm a stupid idiot" tattooed on their body instead of "peace, tranquility, love" like they had wanted. tattoos are often said to be a form of personal expression. that being the case, you have no business tattooing chinese characters on your body if you are not chinese. you have no business getting chinese tattooed on you if you don't have a deep appreciation for chinese culture. you have no business getting chinese tattooed on you if you cannot even pronounce the words you are getting slapped in your skin. i mean you want to tattoo hokey philosophical phrases onto your body, then do it in a language that you KNOW. i bet you 99% of the people walking around showing off their chinese tattoos don't even know to say the characters in chinese. so what's the point? what are you personally expressing exactly? that you're a fucking poser fuckwad? that you're a trendy nut-hair? are you looking for respect from chinese people? believe me when i say that you won't be getting it. i'm as whitewashed as a chinese guy can possibly be and i don't even respect it. in fact, i can't even jusify getting a chinese tattoo for myself and (get this) I'M CHINESE!

so yeah, please stop the madness! also stop asking me to hook you up with chinese characters because i won't do it. you'll really have to forgive me if i hate seeing my native language being exploited for the sake of fashion.

2003-07-14T14:53:00.000-06:00

i've been doing some work outside the last couple days. unfortunately i didn't have the foresight to see that something like this could happen. i think i can safely say that i now have the nastiest, most brutal tan in the whole goddamn world. maybe it's not quite a tan. you can kinda see it, but that's not a healthy bronze, it's beet red. my skin is actually burned quite badly. i can't even wear a shirt cuz it feels like sandpaper against my skin. if i had girl roommates they would be in pectoral heaven.

2003-07-12T01:34:00.000-06:00

i've seen this around the block a few times (kinda like yo momma) so even though i'm pretty sure you've all seen it already, i present to you:

THE BEST PING PONG MATCH EVER!!!

2003-07-11T19:53:00.000-06:00

as with the case with most people with new sites, i suffer from something i like to call excessive checkingthestatsicitis.. wow that was extremely lame, but i'll refrain from deleting it because i'm too lazy to try and think of something more clever. anyway, one type of web stat that is always fun to check is the referrals. you know you're doing something right when you're attracting people looking for "porn+blog" on google. obviously the previous owner of the smut.blogspot.com url had a good porn blog. i'm kinda sad that everyone coming to this site through that search will be sorely disappointed at the complete lack of blogging of the porn variety, so i have decided to blog about porn... for this one time only. get it while it's HOT!

last night i downloaded a porn clip from bittorrent. the porn clip is from a site about a buncha sluts getting down and dirty in the VIP room of some dance club. those who frequent porn sites probably know what i'm talking about. anyway i'm having trouble deciding if this is real. sure, there are always horny sluts that goto these dance clubs, but do they really give it up that easy and allow you to videotape it? it's all set up yo! the actual clubs look real enough, so is there actual fucking going on in vip rooms in dance clubs around the nation? REAL LIVE FUCKING?! OMG!!

back to the clip. it involves a threesome. i must say that for dirty sluts, the two broads in this one are pretty humpable. in fact, if i was the meat in that sandwich, it would make for a very sad porno cuz it'd be over before i could take my pants off. this depresses me a little bit, but then i start to touch my peepee and everything is alright in the world. anyway there's a fair bit of everything going on in the clip.. lesbian tongue kissing, carpet munching, wang sucking, booblie suckling, lesbian tongue kissing WHILE wang sucking, and i haven't even mentioned the various states of humpage that goes on for the 27 minute duration of the clip!

indeed this clip has become an instant classic amongst my large collection of pornography.

i cannot express how incredibly perverted and disgusting i feel after having written that. i'll hafta do it again sometime!

2003-07-11T05:04:00.000-06:00

so i decided i would hold off on the shaving of the head for now. i instead went to get a haircut at a supposedly professional place of haircutting. i won't go so far as to name this place, but let's just say that they're called supercuts. now going into supercuts i was under the impression that i would get a cut that was super. you don't go calling yourself super-anything unless you're gonna be really super about it. you cannot deny that superman is one hell of a super dude, i mean he's fully deserving of the super that preceeds the man... supercuts, on the other hand, probably shouldn't have the super. it's not that my haircut was bad -- as far as i can tell the hair is fine, it's just that... well... MY EAR WAS FUCKING BLEEDING! anytime you're going for a haircut and something that is NOT your hair gets cut, then maybe we got problems.

i'll tell you how masculine and manly i am! i didn't even know i got cut until i got home. of course, by that time i had already paid for the haircut and even left a goddamn tip for the stupid bitch who butchered my ear. okay so you accidentally cut my ear, that's fine! people make mistakes! accidents happen! people bleed! but to not even have the decency to tell me that the back of my ear was split open? i mean i kinda felt her nick the back of my ear with the buzzer, but since she proceeded to do her thing without saying anything i assumed it was fine. that's right, she pretended like nothing happened. is there a lower form of human being than this?

i didn't feel like going back to complain or demand my money back though. that's not my style. you could probably take a big shit in my big mac and i'd shrug it off.. no wait, i'd go barf a lot and then shrug it off. i'm cool like that.

2003-07-10T02:18:00.000-06:00

okay, so i'm updating again. obviously i've missed the feeling of having a website that no one visits. i actually recommend everyone go on some sort of extended hiatus from having a website. it's a great feeling coming back. i mean, i have this newfound enthusiasm for this shit again all of a sudden. i feel like i've just stepped out of a shower! clean! refreshed! testicles sufficiently emptied!

rapid subject change: i want to shave my head. i want to have a shiny head which will reflect sunlight and blind random persons. i want to aim my head in such a way that i can temporarily blind an oncoming hot broad and then incidentally touch her boobs when she walks into me and then i can say "watch where you're going!" and then she wouldn't be mad at me for touching her boobs. that would be awesome. aside from looking like a giant walking penis with a face i can't really think of any negatives to having a bald head. i mean, let's look at the facts:

don't have to buy shampoo - FACT!

don't have to worry about the wind messing up hair-do - FACT!

don't have to style hair - FACT!

don't have to goto get hair cuts - FACT!

at least 1 broad will ask to touch the head (not that one) - FACT!

automatically go up 10 notches on the baddass-o-meter - FACT!

i have never shaved my head before - FACT!

i have never gotten laid before - FACT!

i am almost 25 years old - FACT!

that is really pathetic - FACT!

jack black is the only sexy non-bald guy - FACT!

so it's pretty much determined that i will shave my head. it's just a matter of when. i have this uneasy feeling that once i do shave my head it will be revealed that i have the world's most deformed skull. so i figure it'll be go-time once i overcome this feeling through the help of peer groups.

2003-07-09T18:41:00.000-06:00

hello world. i'm back. though none of you will remember me, i was once a high ranking super blogging machine that blogged with the best of the worst. that may or may not be a complete lie, but i wish to no longer discuss it. what i do wish to discuss is the purpose of this site. i really have no idea what the purpose of this site is. i just decided that i needed a blogspot blog. that's all. as you can see, i have absolutely nothing of importance or significance to say. yet you will keep coming back regardless, because i am a sparkling personality that is irresistable.

despite what the url tells you, i am no smut peddler. that is not what i'm here for, i know that much. what i don't know is how or why i will update this site. such things require thinking and planning, neither of which i am particularly fond of doing. so this will be an adventure! a really lame adventure... in fact, i'm pretty sure adventure is entirely the wrong word to use here but for the sake of sounding exciting i will continue to refer to this site as an adventure. who knows, this could end up becoming a great site with a readership of tens, maybe even elevens! that's what's great about adventures -- you never know what is going to happen next!